So here is my personal journey from God to Money, Girls, Fame, and then again to God.
I have been trying to find happiness since I lost it in my teenage years. The whole lightness & ease of childhood was gone when puberty hit and worries started to occupy my mind ever since...
After finding my path to God, & then ultimately to Jesus, I can now say that I’m in the most peaceful place of my life right now - so I really feel the need to share it with anyone who might need to hear this today.
The Christian Image Started Breaking 💔
I was raised Christian. Going to church twice a week, praying every morning and evening, and all the other good stuff that comes along with it.
So believing in the All Mighty, who (of course) listens to my prayers was pretty normal for me 🤷🏻♂️
This normal and maybe also blind belief started shaking when my rational mind started to kick in...
Questions & doubts started to pop up like:
❓ “The bible CAN'T be all literal, right?”
❓ “I mean common the Arc of Noah?!”
❓ “Alright ok, Adam & Eve is just a story as well.”
❓ “What about Jesus, did he reaaaally rise from the dead?”
Church started to become a real chore. I had to stand up early all week long so I just wanted to sleep in on Sundays.
So leave me alone with sitting there quietly listening to someone talk, who is he anyway to preach to us anything?!
The only thing that really mattered at that time were my friends and girls anyway... 🤷🏻♂️
As the timing couldn’t have been more perfect my parents divorced themselves when I was 17...
This certainly did not help me believe in the sacred vow of marriage…
Even though I did not want to admit it, I now know years later how that impacted everything I thought to be true about life, my concept of love, trust & ultimately reality itself.
On top of that around that time a private event in my family occurred, which took me completely out of the blue also and made me confront death on a very personal level.
These two major hits led our family as a whole to stop going to church and I was happy about that part at least.
So pretty much at this point, my childhood stopped & I knew I had to grow up and find myself in this world here.
The "Cool" Guy Emerged 😏
I used all the adversity to just be the coolest version of myself I thought I could be, acting like I was not affected by any of it.
"I’m grown up now - I'm strong - I can handle this easily."
My heart became like ice & stone. 🥶💙
The disconnection to God was complete.
I did NOT believe any of it anymore. Neither did I care.
If I was anything, I was mad at God, at the world, and everyone in it.
People suck & I’m on my own here.
So I better start pushing.
After chasing my first girlfriends, gaining approval for being cool in my social environment, partying and drinking & smoking a lot - I realized this was not enough I needed more.
I need to be an absolute top 1% kind of guy.
Perfect Body, Perfect Looks, Perfect Money. Perfect Girl.
Just everything had to be on point.
After reaching a pretty decent body for my age, I realized this was not enough to get girls, so I decided to go all in on that topic.
Girls, Girls, Girls 💃🏻
While living in Munich (finally a big city - even further away from church), I got hooked by a friend about pick-up. A way to learn how to get good with girls. Super interesting, so I decided to look into that more and more started to use the things I learned in real life & realized that some girls do really get hooked by these principles.
To get the phone number of a random girl, that looked super cute, was just such a push for my self-worth that I got hooked more and more & wanted more and more.
More dates, more kisses, more numbers, and so on...
I had perfectionized the mask of the cool guy till that point & knew exactly which button to push to get a girl interested in me. Play uninterested, super busy, mock them or whatnot, just to get them to think I was high status and get them to chase me.
I am still a bit ashamed of this period of my life now, but I didn't know any better. I thought survival of the fittest is what is going to get you the girl, so I just didn't care if she had a boyfriend or whatnot. If there was a chance that I could get her, I went for it, completely suppressing all of my conscience.
Anyway, I was proud of myself and I loved the attention. But of course, it was never enough - never enough cold approaches, never enough kisses or dates or phone numbers.
I always wanted more to still that inner thirst...
Since a teenager, I also became absolutely obsessed with the idea of making money online and travelling with that income.
I wanted to be free & independent from everyone & be my own boss, be rich & famous, and all the good stuff that comes with that status.
Reaching My First Peak 🧗🏻
In that time I also cold approached a beautiful Argentine girl on the street. That I managed somehow to make fall in love with me.
I finally felt happy again, oh boy and how happy and how many butterflies I had.
This & my drive to build an online business after my studies led to us moving to her house in Argentina.
Over time I did manage to generate an "ok income" from an online business & I finally had what I always dreamed of - taking only my laptop and traveling with it. ✈️
I will never forget arriving at the beautiful beach in Playa del Carmen in Mexico - feeling like I finally made it.
I lived next to the Caribbean Sea - in a modern apartment - with a beautiful Latina, a dog & my own little business.
This was really crazy for me - I was 23 and while others were "suffering" in a 9-5 job I was chilling on a rooftop pool, relaxing, not working too much to maintain everything.
I felt like the king of the world at that time, like I felt superior in intelligence, mental strength, looks and more.
My ego was definitely boosted well at that time...
But guess what... Something was missing... Everything I did till this point, was just for me & only for me...
I felt super empty & from that point on my spiritual journey began.
Since I had reached the typical goals that society had set for me at this young age, I did not know what next...
So I started to search for more fulfillment in helping others "escape the matrix" as well and reach success in business & lifestyle by doing YouTube Videos.
The First Fall 😢
But there was another bigger problem emerging...
Over time my mask of that "cool guy" started breaking more and more and my former girlfriend started to see the real me under it, who was broken, insecure & lost and she started to feel tricked & deceived.
The underlying unworthiness and self-hate I had was just not pretty.
I was a workaholic, taking my laptop to the beach and working till the last minute of the day.
But at the same time, I procrastinated a lot and I abused p*rn to fuel the self-hate even more.
She wanted to leave me multiple times - I always managed to somehow talk her back into it but after 4 years we broke up & I was completely broken...
At the same time, the income from the online business was less and less because I didn't put in the effort anymore.
I fell deep.
I went back into my children’s room at the age of 25 with no real substantial income to show off & having lost the foundation I wanted to build my future.
The facade that I had built, just crumbled under the pressure, and man did I cry a lot in that time...
My Heart Started To Open Slowly ❤️🩹
This really made me realize how much stuff I have suppressed all these years with masks and distractions.
Luckily I had access to a personal development course by Julienhimself (great guy btw), which really helped me to process all the pain & wounds.
I knew I needed to let go and go through all that pain now to truly heal finally.
I faced them - going through extreme emotions that were buried inside of me & I forgave myself and forgave all the people that I was still mad at.
I rebuilt relationships with family and friends & started to be thankful again instead of always looking for more.
Most of all I learned in that period to love myself and be gentle with the little Patrick inside of myself that was hurt still from the past.
I’m not going to lie it was a hard time for me.
Going Up Again 📈
But as fate wanted it I met a young fellow entrepreneur called Alex who had the energy for both of us.
He was talented, smart, disciplined, and ready to conquer the world!
Just the energy that I needed at that time to fuel my belief in a successful life again.
After meeting a few times, we took our best shot and decided to leave our home country Germany together in order to hustle on our businesses and to keep each other accountable while doing so.
After arriving in the Dominican Republic life seemed good again!
And I did the only thing I knew, hustle hard at my business, push hard in the gym, and push hard to get more girls again.
I haven't really learned my lesson just yet...
Instead of really letting everything go & healing completely I just jumped back into the cool single guy again.
At that time I also reconnected to an old friend from my Munich time called Gabriel, who was in Mexico at the time.
He had chosen the path of surrender & personal development earlier than me and I could tell how much that journey helped him - it was impressive really. I really wanted to know more.
So Alex & I took a shot and went to Mexico to live together the three of us.
At that time we did realize how similar our stories went just apart from each other and how much we are striving all in the same direction.
It felt kind of surreal but we all felt like we had the same goal in life and it makes so much sense to combine forces with each other instead of each fighting their own battle.
It was definitely a magical time, to feel that there could be a bigger purpose to all this - and everything could be meant to be...
Here are the Vision, Mission & Principles we came up with at that time:
This massive inspiration & hype led the three of us to join venture first in a YT project which we then paused to pursue a Marketing Agency called RisePartner.
God was not really an issue at that point, we kind of all felt like this dynamic of the three of us is meant to be but we saw this more in a New Age Spirituality angle.
Everything is connected. We are all One. It's all Love and so on, were concepts at that time.
After spontaneously moving altogether to Valencia the last chapter, the climax before my conversion was about to happen... But little did I know...
New Age Spirituality ✨
Valencia was simply a magical time from the beginning till the end, I let more and more of my self-concept go.
I surrendered my business workaholic ego, surrendered the "forceful" image I had of a strong man, and let my softer side emerge again a bit more.
I stopped trying to control everything and just tried to reach higher and higher states of consciousness & awareness. That was all that mattered to me at that point.
To awaken from this physical world and understand the spiritual realm better.
I consumed more and more New Age Spirituality content & let go of more and more of the concepts I had about reality & myself, felt like freeing my mind to unlimited possibilities, unlimited understanding, and more.
I started to realize everything is just a manifestation of the mind. We are just consciousness stuck in a human body shaping our environment based on our beliefs, traumas, and more.
I really started to feel like I was getting close to the answer to this whole matrix that we live in...
I disconnected from my personality, because that was just a mind construct, from my past, my thoughts even from my body, because I felt like I was more than my body alone.
I felt like I was the awareness witnessing all this - just like all the New Age teachers (like Eckhart Tolle, and Allan Watts) teach you.
I reached highs that I never even thought possible. Feeling connected with everyone.
I remember walking around the street and seeing in every person myself.
I became the observer of Patrick’s Life and it felt absolutely amazing.
Why? Well because if Patrick’s personality changes, I’m still here watching it happen, if Patrick’s thoughts wander in one direction, who Is listening to them?….
Me the awareness.
Maybe I lost you here, but it is really hard for me to break that process down into biteable chunks.
I pretty much tried to embrace the exact opposite of what I tried to force all these years before and I was f*cking free.
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But there was one problem...
Like in all the other realms of my life also in the realm of spirituality, it was never enough.
I always needed more knowledge on how this spiritual realm actually works.
I needed always to let go of everything even more to reach even higher peaks & states of feeling free.
I wanted to be an enlightened person one day. Like the Buddha or even Jesus. I wanted to understand God & the Universe and I knew I needed to have a so-called Ego-Death in order to achieve that.
A state of absolute oneness with everything, the whole creation, no concept of self anymore but just blurring into everything at once. Nirvana how Buddhists call it or heaven as I thought Christians call it.
I felt like all religions are pointing in that direction - so that is the path to go.
It sounded amazing, but there was a part of me that was super scared also, to even think about the idea of letting all parts of myself go.
But I did not care, this was just my ego being scared & not knowing what bliss is waiting on the other side.
So drugs became a valid option to expand the consciousness flow of my mind.
We did use weed to vibe higher and higher & I used to "download" more and more information about everything which simply felt amazing.
Till one evening everything was about to change...
The Second Fall 🙅🏻♂️
We smoked like we used to and the feeling of ego death came up again - I really wanted it to happen! FINALLY!
So I was excited that I might see & understand the truth now.
Being completely stoned and in a stage of happiness, some fear started to creep up.
The fear of death - literal death. It started to grow and grow until I started to shake with my whole body, shivering like crazy.
I was super scared that I would wake up now from the Matrix and realize that nothing here is true, nothing is real, it is all a simulation. We are in a simulation. I was so scared to literally get sucked out of the back of my neck like Neo in the Matrix.
The funny thing is a part of me was still excited but the fear of death was really serious, something I had not experienced before to that degree.
This evening changed me...
In the weeks following that evening, I had quite a few times the feeling that I live in a simulation & that nothing is real here - a complete disconnect to reality.
And so panic attacks started to manifest in my life. My muscles started to twitch & cramp up and I couldn't control my body anymore. It was getting worse & worse and more fear of death overwhelmed me.
I was scared because I knew my heart was also just a muscle & I didn't want it to twitch and cramp like my other muscles, because that would mean literal death. Like an epileptic attack.
It became so bad that I had to ask my little sister if I could sleep in her room because I was scared to have another panic attack alone & potentially die from it...
It was BY FAR the worst feeling I had ever experienced in my life to have a panic attack.
I used to make jokes about people who had these types of attacks - I just thought they were weak in their mind, but having had that amount of fear myself, I can now say is the scariest thing I know & I wouldn't wish ANYONE to have an attack like this - it is absolutely horrible! - it literally feels like you are dying.
At the same time, my p*rn addiction kicked in again at that time & I just could not get rid of it.
As a matter of fact, since I was 14 I never stopped for long - I was addicted, even though I didn't like to admit it because of all the shame involved in that topic.
The temptation was just too big & I was too weak. Leading me into more and more self-hate again.
I had sessions where I literally cried afterward because I knew I did so much damage to my brain, my self-worth, and my overall life.
It was an absolute MONSTER & VIRUS in my life, killing me slowly from the inside.
So there I was having been at the scariest place of my life right before completely letting my ego go which was based on this New Age Philosophy but still stuck in destructive patterns of self-hate with p*rn.
I just didn't want my life to be like this from now on - super scared of EVERY single night in my bed...
So there was one little voice inside that told me to pray...
The Conversion 🙏
PRAY⁉️
I did not believe in a personal God that was separate from me, I thought I was partly godly energy myself?! So who do I pray to?!
But this voice told me to pray anyway as if there were a God apart from me that could hear me...
& So I did:
"God, if you are real - I need you. I need you RIGHT NOW - help me. I can't handle it alone anymore, please... Free me from this fear, please!"
I opened my heart to him, cried & let was open for him to enter into my heart again after soooo many years without him.
That was THE LAST TIME I ever had a panic attack. Plus THE LAST TIME I consumed p*rn!
Slowly but surely after opening my heart to him, he started to fill me up with:
Peace, Love, Security, Happiness, Fulfillment, Empathy, Willpower
I started to read the bible, watch "The Chosen" like a madman & realized after a while that Jesus is the perfect incarnation of this loving God that I experienced myself acting through me.
The more I surrendered to Jesus the better everything was, now I finally had a face, actual words, and commandments from God that could guide me to what is good & what is bad. It felt like a literal guideline for a good life. Something worth living & dying for.
Understanding what Jesus aka God incarnate did on the cross for us - that he literally died for us, made me realize God DOES love me & he wants to save me! He suffered with us & for us & leaves us not alone in the minute we need him the most - like he hasn't left me when I really needed him & opened my heart to him.
He made me connect to reality again, and see what is true & what is false, he proved to me personally that he IS the way, the truth, and the life.
He gave me direction, showed me the truth of his true nature, and gave me happiness & life again.
After The New Heart ❤️🔥
He filled me so much & changed my desires in my heart so much that I just felt the need to share ever since.
I started to want to help more and more other people but this time from a place of abundance not a place of desperately trying to fill my emptiness. I was simply full of love & wanted to share it!
I got addicted to the Eucharist (based on the eucharistic miracles) & the catholic church.
There is just so much peace...
I now regularly go to the orphanage, talk to homeless people, and talk to young people about God & Jesus just because I see their emptiness & I know how that feels to have no God in your life, how alone, how meaningless and sad life really is without him.
I NEVER thought that I would be this type of a person who does missionary work and talks about Jesus & Christianity.
I thought all religions were "cool" except Christianity, which was the one religion I DID NOT want.
But after looking at all the evidence for the resurrection of Jesus I simply CANNOT deny him anymore. I simply have to declare publically, that Jesus was & is the living God & was the perfect incarnation of this Creator of this universe & he dies at every single mass for our sins & sets us free.
& I would challenge you to try to prove the opposite, try it out with an open heart & mind, be honest and sincere with your search & if you let him, he will reveal the truth to you as well.
Much Sincere Love
Patrick :)
Other nice "Side Effects" of my conversion ☺️
🔘 I am as happy as I never was before, I did not KNOW what 10/10 happiness is until I let Jesus take over my life
🔘 My friendships are ALL better, we are closer to each other, and there is more empathy & forgiveness
🔘 I restored family relations by forgiving more and more and connecting, all by the strength of his love
🔘 I get to have children like lightness AGAIN!!!! No validation seeking of other people, no lust, just free as a child again - I would not change that for anything in the world
🔘 People now like me for who I AM not for a fake mask
🔘 Way more relaxed about the future, less worries & anxieties in general
🔘 WAYYY more in touch with my feelings & my heart - so much more room for others in my heart
🔘 I have a glowing in my soul & eyes, that's what they say at least 🤷🏻♂️
BTW:
He gave me so much willpower that I lost weight at the same time while building up a decent body again, but this time I did it out of inspiration instead of desperation to prove my worth:
I know this might all sound too good to be true - but again give God & Jesus an honest shot in your life AND THEY WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!
My recommendation to open up your mind would be these 2 books:
A book, of people who died, went into the afterlife, and came back. Some were dead for hours or even days!!! Their stories about what's to come will open your soul again & make you remember that this is not everything that there is.
2) I don't have enough faith to be an atheist
After you open up you will need to tackle your rational mind as well which will give you all kinds of doubts & questions about the existence of God & Jesus.
This is BY FAR the best book I've read that tackles the whole logical side of it and you will realize it is FAR MORE logical to believe in God than not to... Must Read for sure.
Apart from that on a very personal level, I recommend you to pray with an open heart to God and Jesus and develop a personal relationship with them. Learn to show in your prayer your deepest wounds & you will receive healing - at a speed that is supernatural.
Try it out & ask me if you have any questions on Instagram - glad to help at any time :)
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