This is a bit of a different post, I just to just blog about marketing here but so much in my life has changed that I feel the need to just open up to more topics in order to keep sharing my journey.
This is pretty much my personal journey from God to Money, Girls, Fame, and then again to God.
I have been trying to find happiness since I’ve lost it in my teenage years. The whole lightness of the childhood was gone and worries started to occupy my mind.
I have not found happiness but I’m in the most peaceful place of my life right now, so I feel the necessity to share it.
I was being raised Christian. Going to church twice a week, praying every morning and evening.
So believing in the all mighty, who of course listens to my prayers was pretty normal for me.
This strong and maybe also blind belief started shaking when my rational mind kicked in.
Questions & doubts started to pop up like:
❓ “The bible can’t be literal right?”
❓ “I mean common the Arc of Noah?!”
❓ “Alright ok Adam & Eve is just a story as well.”
❓ “What about Jesus, did he reaaaally rise from the dead?”
Church started to become a chore more than anything.
Sunday morning common. Give me a break, I want 2 days per week where I can sleep long & oh did I enjoy sleeping long.
So leave me alone with sitting there quietly listening someone talk, who is he anyway to preach us anything?!
As the timing couldn’t have been more perfect my parents divorced themselves when I was 17.
This certainly did not help me believe in the sacred vow of marriage…
On top of that there happened a private event in my family, which took me completely out of the blue also.
I was really doubting everything at this point...
I used all the adversity to just be the coolest version of my self I thought I could be, acting like I was not affected by any of it.
I’m grown up now - I'm a man I’m hard. My heart became ice & stone.
The disconnection to God was complete.
I did NOT believe any of it anymore. Neither did I care.
If I was anything, I was mad at him, at the world and everyone in it.
People suck & I’m on my own here.
So I better start pushing.
I became absolutely obsessed with the idea of making money online and travelling with that income. I loved to independence & freedom involved and I’ve put in a ton of work trying different things to work out.
(Tried myself as an influencer, travel blogger, DJ, fashion brand and in trading)
Of course nothing worked, which could have been related to the fact, that I put in mostly just a few months of time …
Anyway, while living in Munich (finally a big city - even further away from church)
I realised there is another way to feel absolutely awesome about myself - getting the approval of girls.
And oh boy did I chase that. I loved to reinvent my self and push the boundaries of my comfort zone so I learned everything there is to learn about the topic and went out to try all types of things to get phone numbers, dates & more...
I am ashamed now of this period of my life still but yes I was a part of these guys that manipulated girls into liking a fake image of me that was not the real me.
Fake it till you make it right? Just act cool...
It started to work but they liked a personality that was not even the real me.
Anyway I was proud of my self and I loved the attention. But of course it was never enough - never enough cold approaches, never enough kisses or dates or phone numbers.
I always wanted more to still that inner thirst...
In that time I also cold approached a beautiful Argentine girl on the street. That I managed somehow to make fall in love with me.
I finally felt happy again, oh boy and how happy and how many butterflies I had.
This & my drive to build an online business after my studies led to us moving to her house in Argentina.
Overtime I did manage to generate an ok income from an online business & I finally had what I always dreamed of - taking only my laptop and travel with it.
It became real - in fact since 5 years it has not stopped - I travel as a digital nomad living in different places around the world.
I will never forget arriving at the beautiful beach in Playa del Carmen - feeling like I made it.
I lived next to the Caribbean sea - in a nice little apartment - with a beautiful Latina, a dog and had an ok online income.
This was really crazy for me - I was 23 and while others were suffering in a 9-5 job I was chilling on a roof top pool, relaxing, not working much to maintain everything.
I felt like the king of the world in that time - high performer - high achiever etc.
But guess what... Something was missing... Everything I did till this point, was just for me & only for me...
I felt it has to be more about others - that has to be more fulfilling - helping them reach the same lifestyle than me.
I started YouTube Videos in marketing to enable people to be more successful & travel also - because everyone envied me for this lifestyle I had.
But there was another bigger problem emerging...
Over time my mask of that cool guy started breaking more and more and my former girlfriend started to see the real me under it, who was broken, insecure and lost and she started to feel tricked & deceived.
The underlying unworthiness and self-hate was just not pretty.
I was a workaholic, taking my laptop to the beach and working till the last minute of the day.
But at the same time I procrastinated a lot and I abused p*rn to fuel the self-hate even more.
She wanted to leave me multiple times - I always managed to somehow talk her back into it but after 4 years we broke up & I was completely broken.
At the same time the income from the online business was less and less because I didn't put in the effort anymore.
I fell deep. I went back into my children’s room at the age of 25 with no real substantial income to show off & having lost the person I thought about marrying.
The facade that I had build, just crumbled under the pressure and man did I cry a lot in that time...
The thing that saved me was the personal development called Transformation Mastery course by Julienhimself (great guy btw).
I knew I need to let go and go through all that pain now in order to truly heal finally.
I have realised how I was only desperately running away from old deep wounds.
I faced them - going through extreme emotions that were buried inside of me & I forgave myself and forgave all the people that I was still mad at.
I rebuild relationships & started to be thankful for them.
Most of all I learned in that period to love my self and be gentle with the little Patrick inside of my self that was hurt still from the past.
I’m not going to lie it was a hard time for me.
But as fate wanted it I met a young fellow entrepreneur called Alex who had the energy for both of us.
He was talented, smart, disciplined and ready to conquer the world.
Just the energy that I needed in that time to fuel my beliefs in a successful life again.
After meeting a few times, we took our best shot and decided to leave Germany together in order to hustle on our businesses and to keep each other accountable while doing so.
Arrived in the Dominican Republic life seemed good again.
The local latinas liked me and I was feeling better but I was still compensating.
Instead of really letting everything go & healing completely I just jumped back into the cool single guy again. Putting on my cool mask & getting girls with it. It was the only thing I knew how to do when it came to women.
At that time I also reconnected to an old friend from my Munich time called Gabriel, who was in Mexico at the time. Something dragged me there, I just felt for the need to reconnect.
He had chosen the path of surrender & personal development earlier than me and I could tell how much that journey helped him - it was impressive really. I really wanted to know more.
So Alex & Me took a shot and went to Mexico to live together the three of us.
In that time we did realise how similar our stories went just apart from each other and how much we are striving all into the same direction.
Kind of surreal but we felt like the north star (goal in life) that we are all striving towards was pretty much identical.
A magical time getting a grasp of the feeling of what our life purpose could be.
This massive inspiration led for the three of us to join venture first in YT and then in a marketing agency called risepartner.
It was a complete surrendering of my ego in business. I always thought that I have to make it alone, I have to be the CEO & have to independent of others. Joining in as a team with me simply being CMO was difficult in the beginning. I had to loose that part of my identity.
But let me tell you something, boy was it a relief not to have the sole responsibility about the business anymore. It felt great.
But there was one major problem, Gabriel had booked his apartment and flight already to Valencia while we (Alex and Me) had booked our flight to Ecuador already…
This felt wrong. We knew we need to stay together in order to make this life purpose come true.
The calling was strong and the surrender to that drag felt just right. The price of the lost flight did not even hurt. It was just lite calling us.
Surrendered again.
And boy little did I know how much Valencia will shape my spiritual awakening. It was simply a magical time from beginning till the end, I let more and more of my self concept go.
Business ego shrank, I also let down this “forceful” image I had of a strong man and let my weaker side emerge. Let me loving side shine through. Let my “flowy” self take control without having to control everything.
I reached highs that I never even thought possible. Feeling connected with everyone.
I remember walking around the street and seeing in every person my self.
I AM NOT MY PERSONALITY, NOR MY PAST, NOR MY THOUGHTS, NOR MY BODY - I am the awareness witnessing all this.
I become the observer of Patrick’s Life and it felt absolutely amazing.
Why? Well because if Patrick’s Personality changes, I’m still here watching it happening, if Patrick’s thoughts wander in one direction, who Is listening to them?….
Me the awareness. If this body loses a hand, I’m still here, the awareness.
I’m the only constant, so I AM HE.
Maybe I lost you here, but it is really hard for me to break that process down into biteable chunks.
It was just that I had let go of so many things that I defined myself with that there was not much left besides my consciousness.
I pretty much tried to embrace the exact opposite of what I tried to force all these years before and I was f*cking free.
Can’t emphasise enough how epic it is to let go of your mask that you have created, even though it was scary at times (my “ego” had some serious fear of disappearing).
And there was a little bit a toxic element in it, because I really tried fighting my ego and tried to get rid of it, which now looks silly but that was the only way I knew how to break free of the chains I made myself and that society gave me.
Man opening up that field of consciousness and realizing that what makes me special, is just the fact that I’m aware of all this opened so many other doors.
We are all the same, finally made sense.
God started to become a topic… Maybe this awesome thing called awareness is the godly energy inside of me?
Or let me put it this way. If I can consciously create something out of nothing, that makes me a creative force.
That is the same force that must have initiated this whole experience as a whole. The universe was made out of supposedly nothing.
Was it perhaps a mere thought?
I’m not the first person who thought about this, God is mental.
You thinks, and things happen.
So when they say we are made in the image of God maybe that what the actual meaning of all this is…
So if I’m consciousness and you are consciousness and God is unlimited consciousness.
Then rising the level of consciousness in me, you and the whole humanity is the only purpose of this life, in order to get again closer to god our creator..
Boom I was all in, deep, very deep.
I started to see, that if everyone would be all aware, we would have heaven on earth.
If the murderer could be aware of the pain he causes and feel it, he would not do it, he only does it because he is in darkness.
Love is the obvious answer if you are aware that we are truly all the same in the sense of our core being is the same being und the core core of that is the same divine being that connects us all.
I saw truth after truth and it all started to make sense.
I looked at people and all I saw was unawareness and the pain that was causing.
Unaware that they are their own creators of reality because they are in fact made by the image of god. They have godly creator energy in them if they overcome their fears and attachments of their ego.
—
But there was one major problem still unsolved that is itching me still today.
Is this a personal God? Or just a creative energy? Flowing through everything and creating it or does it have more characteristics?
That was perhaps the biggest gap between new age and christianity besides Jesus of course.
I don’t know but the idea that God is just energy was never enough for me.
There must be an intent to all of this. This is to perfect for energy to randomly emerge.
Every action needs a motive and intention. What’s his?
Realising this made me come back all the way to the beginning. There must be a motive so there must be characteristics that can be attributed to him.
Love being my first choice.
Love is the only thing that can travel distance, be everywhere at the same time, the only thing that does NOT need a cause and therefore is outside of logic, space and time.
It has godly characteristics.
All is love.
He is love, infinite love, joining with him is joining with love, Devine infinite love - heaven.
And if there is one character who preaches love more than anything anyone ever has done it has to be Jesus.
Love the person next to you like you love yourself.
He summed up the entire laws of the bible.
Wow, ok wait a second. So what I’m seeing right now is what Jesus saw 2000 years ago?
Is it just that it is a fundamental truth and therefore it casts such a massive echo in society?
I believe so.
I think fundamental truths hit sooooo deep that they last and this one is perhaps the deepest.
God is love. God loves you. God loves his creation & wants the truly best for them.
I can’t describe you the ecstasy I was getting. It was a rush. I mean here I am a dude in his twenties seeing things that the great thinkers of history have seen.
I was in awe and thankful for all the questions I have asked my self over the years. I always wanted to get the answers, the truth, the meaning… And this was the first time, I was truly satisfied and at peace, knowing I have seen it.
But ecstasy fades away and life kicks in again.
Ever since reaching these high echelons of consciousness I felt like chasing after them again, I wanted to see it again, just show me the beauty one more time.
Just having the mental knowledge felt not enough. I mean how can I know this but not live like it.
I understood it but have not yet implemented it into my life at that point.
Plus I had doubts, so many doubts. It was crazy, this whole period of science on one hand shaped my rational mind but it made it so difficult to follow my heart.
Chasing this high again led me to use weed in order to reach high levels again. Oh boy.
I was high and I did see truths and it did help me but there was a down side to it.
Like mentioned before I did have the tendency at that time to destroy every part of my ego so I could experience Nirvana - nothing - which will ultimately make me see God and everything.
The problem is the ego is super scared to “die” and will fight with its life against it. Because it thinks if the concept of self dissolves it will dissolve into death.
Well… One time when I was high, I did feel that sensation. My ego was close to being nothing anymore and I was close to see everything - but then panic took over.
I tried to destroy everything that I had perviously thought of being real, so I dissociated with the feeling of reality.
What If nothing is real? What if this is just a Matrix like the movie & waking up means seeing that we are all slaves? What if waking up and having an ego death means dying?
And so on…
It was horrible & scary but to be honest also super interesting to watch from the point of my consciousness.
There where pretty much two voices in my head. One being:
Are you ready to see the truth?
And the other screaming against it: NO STOP he is not ready yet!!! It is too early for him to see!!! STOP don’t dissolve.
Pretty weird writing about it without thinking to myself that sounds insane :D
But yeah, this feeling of loosing control over my body (btw I was shivering and simply couldn’t stop) was a bit of a wake up call for me that I have to take things slowly with time, I mean after all I had time till 90 or so to see truths and awake right? Why the rush.
I chilled a bit and took the topic slower.
Especially after I had another one of these bad experiences in the middle of the night even without any substance.
And there was one thing that saved me.
One quote. That I from that point on gave people that I knew who had fear.
First of all to really understand that it is not an ego death but expansion! It is just the death of the illusion of separation and nothing more - my ego - felling of self would then radically expand which is beautiful!
But the quote was this:
Fear is an insult to God.
If I did not trust in him and his plan for me that I would commit a sin, which just means something that took me further from him.
So realising this and trying to connect to him, he who is love, trust, peace, light, infinity made me calm and overcome this pretty dark period of being scared and having anxiety attacks.
From that time on I did not want to loose my connection to him for he who has saved me.
He saved me from the depth of my own mind going crazy. Calmed me, made me feel secure and safe.
In that time I started to pray and boy did it gave me something. I finally could let go and really come closer to him.
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